I have never been good with death. Ever. Thankfully, God blessed me with a five year bedside nursing career where I had zero patients die. I had to provide post-mortem care to zero patients. And that one time I saw a body bag, I literally had to beeline our of the room, because I was about to have a full-on-panic-attack. Hence, why I have tried many facets of nursing, but Lord-willing, you will never see my career venture into hospice. Ever.
I am personally not scared of ME dying. I am just terrible at dealing with other people's earthly exits. I learned early in my nursing career to bring those newly grieving coffee. It made them feel a little better (or at least more caffeinated), I felt like I had "done" something, and then away you see me go. The reason I am so terrible at death is because I'm selfish. I am not better off when someone dies. And generally, neither are their brothers, sisters, cousins, mothers, fathers, or children. Death feels so very permanent. I don't think it's possible to feel like we had "enough" time with our loved ones.
I sat at Truett Cathy's funeral 2 years ago and cried like a baby. Not because he was young. Not because he didn't live a complete and full life. Not because he wasn't ready to meet the Savior that he had so faithfully served during his time on Earth. No-- death just feels so permanent. And Mr. Cathy was an ah-mazing man. I was sad for our world to lose someone who brought so much goodness in a time of so much yuckiness. Whether you agree with him or hate his #christianchicken, I knew him personally, and you cannot debate with me how much he is missed by so many and the difference he made in the lives of so many. So 90 year old deaths? Yes, I suck at those too.
Clearly, I don't even have to tell you how I feel about the death of a child. My prayer is that I never, ever, ever have to experience this. Unfortunately, I know I am not immune to such tragedy. So, my second prayer is that if I ever do have to experience this that God will fill me with so much grace and so much peace that you will know that it is his Holy Spirit living through me. Because without that, I will be a useless, blubbering mess to the rest of the world.
So, why am I pondering on death on November 1? You guys, as much as I hate, hate, hate death, it is part of life. And if you live life long enough, it is part of our experience. In healthcare, you have the blessing of welcoming those into the world and watching them leave this world. Sometimes, it's expected and sometimes it's a complete shock. Sometimes they feel "normal" and sometimes they shake you to your core. Today, I am feeling shaken and sad. A wife, son and daughter have experienced such a tragic loss, and although I did 100% of what should have, could have been done for my patient, I ache for them. I ache for me.
Although I am terrible at the moments, surrounding death, I feel very led to say the scary stuff to those who are grieving. Not the proper stuff, but the stuff that makes the grieving know their loss is acknowledged and maybe shared. Don't not speak because you're scared to say the wrong thing. And don't stop talking about it later. People want to know their loved ones are still missed, especially on anniversaries or important dates or on just regular days. Just don't let them feel forgotten.
Today was a hard day for me. My sweet patient's family has to learn to do life without a central part of their life. If you will keep them in your prayers, for peace and understanding that surpasses anything we are capable of on our own. I would appreciate that and they would too!
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