https://youtu.be/UsD2urNjIWQ

Pain Comes in All Shapes and Sizes

What is pain?  It was drilled in my head as a nursing student that "Pain is whatever the person experiencing it says it is."  And I fully bought that definition.  As a nurse, it's super easy to get caught up in patient's motives, or judge them based on whether they "look" like they are in pain, or "look" like they're talking on their cell phone.  BUT, it really is insanely variable.

Tonight, the reason for my pondering, is because I sit here plagued with pain.  Physical pain.  Stabbing pain in my right lower back-- probably from the 6 mm kidney stone that is lodged within my right kidney.  Emotional pain.  My heart physically aches for a beautiful widow who is also a friend.  She celebrated her first birthday without her husband yesterday, and yet she seems to be going through this new chapter in her life with such grace, despite the pain.

Although, unfortunately, such a huge part of both of our stories, we refuse to let this pain be our definition.  I refuse to not enjoy things like my children, my career, my husband despite the physical pain that I have many days out of the month.  She refuses to let pain rob her of enjoying her beautiful children despite the glaring unfairness of the one missing from their story.

Kidney stones AND migraines suck.  They are both insanely painful, and they are both part of my story.  They can pop up out of the blue, and knock me to my knees.  They both bring immense pain and nausea.  They aren't chronic pain, because, thankfully, when they go away, they are gone for a time.  Until they decide to come back.  Despite taking daily meds to prevent both, the last year or two have been full of both.  I'm so incredibly thankful for an amazing husband and an amazing mom who are both willing and able to step right in on the occasions that I have to step out during the really bad episodes.  Thankfully, these days aren't many, and they do a crazy awesome job.  Pain is powerful, and it would be very easy to let it rob my joy during these episodes.

Death also sucks.  In the spiritual sense, it doesn't, and we all know that, but for the person left here on earth, without their loved one, regardless of knowing that person is now with their Lord&Savior, pain/disease-free, it still hurts US so VERY much.  The shock and unexpectedness of a loss is so incredibly hard and painful.  It leaves us wondering what could we have done to prevent this.  But, I also have another friend who recently lost her husband.  Not long after their 50th wedding anniversary.  After a very long battle with dementia.  Not a shocking or unexpected death, but equally hard and painful to learn to live without the person you love the most.  This emotional pain can actually cause physical pain.  When I see pictures of either of these amazing men, it literally takes my breath away.  They were the same in that they were both incredibly intelligent men, who loved the Lord, and had such a gentle way about them.  They loved their family-- those family by blood and those family by adoption.  One was my patient, one was not.  Both made a huge impact on my life, and on my heart.  Both have beautiful wives who while I am having physical pain tonight, I am worried about their sweet wives emotional pain.

Katie and Michelle, I love you both, and I am so proud of the grace you have both showed as you walk through this bittersweet part of your story.  You are Proverbs 31 women who I want to be just like when I grow up!  I love you both, and you know that I am here for you.

The ADHD Journey Continues, a Year Later

2016 was a year of discovery for our family.  First, we confirmed what we all already knew.  Poor Ben was surrounded by a bunch of #squirrel amazing people, who lack in executive functioning skills.  We're amazingly creative, kind, compassionate people, but we may need you to redirect us a few times, because we get distracted along the way.  AND, we may talk your ear off.  :)  Sydney, Eli, and their awesome mommy were all diagnosed with ADHD.  This diagnosis for myself was not surprising at all, especially looking back.  As we were completing forms for our kids, Ben laughed and asked me when I was having my evaluation.  I wasn't at all offended.  I had seen myself in SO MANY of the questions.  And our kids pediatrician asked me straight out which parent had more of these tendencies.  She said in her experience it is not uncommon at all for her ADHD patients to have, you guessed it, an ADHD parent.

I would like to say that the past year was filled with support from everyone around us.  This is both true and untrue.  The people who matter--- parents and grandparents, teachers, closest friends--- all get it and support us.  However, the rest of the world starts their response with "Have you tried...?"  It has truly become my passion to learn as much about ADHD as possible and share it with everyone I know.  These medications, you know--- the horrible, dreaded, avoided things you read about online--- have saved my family.  They have allowed us to have dinner together.  For my children to participate in activities both in school, extracurricularly, and at home, that there is no way they could have done without it.  They have allowed my daughter to write her letters correctly instead of mirror-image backwards.  They have allowed my daughter to experience lights and sounds without wanting to cover her ears and cry.  They have allowed my son the ability to go to school and not be antagonized by his teachers.  He can sit right side up in his chair (un-medicated Eli is a bat-- preferring to sit upside down.  Don't ask, I have no idea!)  They have allowed me to get the thoughts from my head out of my mouth.  They have allowed me not to interrupt constantly in conversations.  They have allowed me to care for my patients without constantly forgetting things that are not safe for me to forget.  These medications are not "chemical babysitters."  I promise you, my children still talk incessantly most of the time, still climb things, still argue, still get louder than they should.  BUT, they are also able to sit in their chairs (most of the time) when it's expected, read a book, play a game, or fold a load of towels.  They don't walk around like little zombies.  Again- they're still loud and crazy, but just functional, loud and crazy people!  There are zero euphoric effects from the medication.  As a matter of fact, the only two differences I actually feel when take mine is that 1) Words don't get stuck in my head and 2) I don't want to nap constantly.

The last time I posted was over a year ago.  I'm sorry for that.  We've been super busy.  (Read above- not a chemical babysitter.  My kids were busy climbing things and doing crazy things that needed supervision!)  My last post focused on finding the right medication for our kiddos.  Fortunately, following our highly symptomatic start, we have had an uneventful medication history.  Both Eli and Sydney have been on Vyvanse for the last year, and done AH-MAZING.

Unfortunately, the dreaded side effect of suppressed appetite has become an issue for us this year.  We have been able to make a few lifestyle changes and keep our medicines on board and keep our kids from losing weight.  For one, we try to make sure they have a pretty big breakfast, and we've moved our usually early 5pm dinner to much later as the meds are wearing off.  That means the kiddos are usually roaming the kitchen as they eat, but they do clean their plates a lot of nights, so I'm picking my battles there!  I also find myself answering "No!  Oh wait, you want a snack?  Yes, go eat."  I fear this will be a battle that we have to continuously monitor and keep a close eye on, but I think with the right modifications, we will be able to keep our kiddos at a healthy weight while also able to treat their ADHD as well.  ("I heard that if your kids eat x-y- and z, they won't need meds."  YES, we tried diet modifications for years actually before they started medication.  We saw MINIMAL difference-- with the most difference seen eliminating Red Dye #40- which we still try to avoid.   Although diet plays a role, as it does with almost everything, if your child truly has ADHD, it is not going to fix them.)

My previous ADHD posts focused a lot more on Eli.  As a matter of fact, I'm not sure I had publicly told you guys about Sydney.  As mentioned above, two of the biggest victories for her I really wasn't expecting.  The girl had been turning her letters backwards since she was 3.  Everyone kept telling me I wasn't supposed to worry about it until she was 7- that this was normal.  But, I was worried.  She knew how to read and write her letters for years, but yet her papers continuously came home mirror-image backwards.  The medication for ADHD  slows her down enough to focus on writing it correctly.  This concern has disappeared for us.  The second huge win for her is that Sydney had been insanely sensory-sensitive.  In fact, I spent a long time not thinking she had ADHD and thinking she had sensory processing disorder.  Except, no pediatrician wanted to go there with me since it is a part of the autism spectrum and Sydney clearly demonstrated no autistic characteristics.  I felt so ignored and helpless in that arena.  My beautiful, "normal" daughter freaked out in a movie theatre.  When the climax music came on, she would bury her head into our shoulders and whisper in our ears how scared she was.  She would cover her ears with both hands during tap class, and then come out with tears in her eyes and tell me "It's just so loud!"  These were not the symptoms I expected to improve with she started medicine that allowed her to remain in her seat at school and at dinner.  But, as it changes the way she processes sensory input, she now sees and hears lights and sounds like a "normal" person.  Not like someone who sees flashing, lightning like lights and hears sounds super amplified to the point of distress.  She can now fold a whole load of towels, instead of fighting me for 25 minutes about folding one.  She can now sit down and read a chapter book, and read for enjoyment.

Although Ben and I know without a shadow of a doubt that we have made the right decision for our children, we don't get a lot of objective evidence of that.  The other day, as I was cleaning up breakfast trash from that morning, I noticed that Sydney's medicine was with her trash (not because she intentionally didn't take it, but #squirrel).  I quickly said a prayer that her day had gone ok.  That afternoon, I got an email from her teacher that just said "Hey!  I was just checking in to see if anything different had happened with Sydney's routine, because she was bouncing off the walls today."  HA- parenting Tigger is often how I have described my two amazing and crazy kiddos.  I smiled and disregarded the email, as I knew exactly what had "changed."  The next week, I got Sydney's graded papers from the week before, and ya'll, they stopped me in my tracks.  On Wednesday, Sydney took a Math pre-test (which looks almost identical to the real test), and she made a 94.  On Friday, the day she forgot her medicine, she took the real test.  It didn't look like the same kid's handwriting.  And, she made a SEVENTY FOUR.  There were many, many skipped questions (as a matter of fact, that's where all of her missed points went.  She didn't get any incorrect, she just skipped a ton).  And at some point, she changed from using her pencil to a purple crayon.  I giggled as I imagined her taking her test and #squirrel, "What a pretty crayon!  I'm going to make my paper look prettier than it would if I just used this pencil.  I bet my teacher will love the purple writing!  She loves purple!"  Not often do parents of ADHD kids get before and afters of what their kids can do on and off medicine.  I will probably frame these tests.  When someone says "Have you tried...?," I won't even have to answer.  I'll just show them the evidence.

Eli has continued to do well.  He struggled the most in school pre-medication.  Like, behavior problems as a 3-4 year old.  I fought a constant inner battle of Am I enabling or advocating??  I agonized over how he would make it through school.  I imagined I would likely have to quit work and homeschool this amazingly bright kid who seemed to be so misunderstood by his teachers!  He has excelled academically in 1st grade.  He is reading beautifully, and enjoys reading chapter books (melt my momma heart!).  He loves reading trivial facts about random things and learning about history, and does both often and independently.  He has had to take very few of his tests this year, because he makes 100s on the pre-tests earlier in the week.  He's equal parts good at reading/language as he is at math/science.  Due to being preceived as the "bad kid" and his lack of spatial awareness (read, he might plow right through you- watch out!), one of my biggest concerns for him at the start of this school year was that he lagged behind socially.  I'm so excited about how far he's come this year with that as well.  He's made sweet friends and doing incredibly well all around!  Don't think everything is perfect, or we don't struggle, but, oh the improvement!!

I don't write this to tell everyone all our business or try to influence anyone to do anything that they don't want to do.  But, I also know how much of a struggle this is for many of you, who are struggling alone and without support.  (I know this, because you messaged me last year and told me about it!  You told me your in-laws, parents, friends all told you how bad medications are, despite how much your child struggles socially and academically.)  I just want to be a story you can remember about a family that didn't have a horrible experience with medication.  A college educated mom and dad who made this choice for their kids.  A mom who has a master's degree in nursing.  A family that functions oh.so.much better because of this choice.  This is a topic that I am passionate about and happy to talk about, so if you have any questions or want to chat, feel free to send me a message, a text, an email.

Take a minute to watch this amazing video.   It's sad, true, and inspiring at the same time.

My crazy ADHD kiddos, I will walk beside you in the rain all of the days, and continue to see the amazing things you do, even if it doesn't fit the mold!

**** Just as an addendum, behavior modification is a huge component for treatment of ADHD as well.  There are coping strategies and other behavior modification that is very helpful and very necessary for both kids and adults with ADHD.  We tried those alone for years prior to starting medication.  As with most chronic diseases, medication PLUS behavior modification has been the right fit.  They are not mutually exclusive.

Confirmation

Have you ever felt like maybe you're making the wrong choices?  Maybe all of the negative chatter around you could actually be right?  Should you listen, and change your course?  You know, adjust the sails, and re-evaluate your plan?  I say maybe, but probably not.  If the advice is consistently coming from your parents, or other people with your best interest at heart, do listen and consider.  Otherwise, at least in my experience, people are full of negativity and reasons why things won't work out.  Examples:  Becoming a teacher, becoming a nurse, having a child, having two kids in one year, having three kids, adopting a child, living in a different town than your mom, living in the same town as your mom, going to grad school just to name a few things.  Sometimes, I am really good at tuning out the noise, and plowing full force into pursuing my dreams.  Other times, the chatter makes me question God's calling.  I know the passions He has put in my heart, and I know they are from Him.  But sometimes, it's easy to be tempted for the easier, and more- recommended route from the naysayers.

So, I found it quite interesting and incredibly inspiring when I stumbled across a Steve Jobs quote this week.  One I have never heard before.  "The ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do."  I read it, and read it again.  Yes.  This is exactly it.  Maybe the naysayers are right.  Maybe I am crazy.  But maybe I am just crazy enough to ACTUALLY make a difference.  To actually say, "Yes, this is hard, and maybe a little crazy, but it's worth it."  Because you see, if you believe nothing will ever change, and you accept that, guess what?  Nothing will ever change.  But if you refuse to accept that, and some times (heck, most of the time) your decisions look a little crazy to others, you are way more willing to step out there and do things others are scared to do (and scared to admit they are scared to do.  They hide behind the comforting excuse of "That's crazy.  That won't change anything.  It's always been that way. One person will not make a difference."), and eventually your small but amazing steps do make a difference.  Millennials really do get a bad reputation most days.  My absolute favorite thing about being a Millennial is our generation really doesn't accept things just because "it's how it's always been done."  We aren't loyal to the status quo.  We push forward and look for ways to make things better.  For me, achieving this "better" involves a lot more tolerance (lots of it, but my hopes and dreams are a lot like MLK JR), a lot less poverty and inequality, and a lot less kiddos suffering (either through orphan status, bullying or poverty are my areas of conviction!)

Considering the books and blogs I read and the friends around which I surround myself, I'd like to say that this lifechanging and life affirming quote came from the Bible, or a book written by someone inspired by the Bible, or heck, even someone that believes in Jesus.  I'm not even sure Steve Jobs believed in God.  But, Steve Jobs believed in his dreams and he believed in doing what no one else had done so that he could see results that no one else had seen, and that inspires me more than you know.  Because the dreams I have (you know, the wishes my heart makes!), God put in my heart.  And they may seem a little crazy to you.  They definitely do not help me maintain a level of calmness in my life.  But, I don't believe God called me to be calm.  He called each of us to live a life glorifying to him.  And I believe our story is going to look a little crazy to most, but that's ok.  It's our story, and we are crazy enough to trust him, and change the world!

When colors collide

Brown fingers flail angrily in the air towards my face.  Six eyes of Caucasian children watch in exasperation, both equal parts shocked and scared.   This woman claims to be angry at my family for unfairly waiting in line but as I hear the hatred in her voice, I know it's so much deeper than that.   The injustice she is angry about I suspect has way less to do with the current event at hand and way more to do with the color of my skin spurring this hate.   I ask her to stop yelling at my family, and we work out agreement agreeable to both sides, but not before she declares to all standing in line that "white people don't think they have to wait in line like they do!".  I'm really glad that I missed that outburst because I'm not sure my heart could have taken it.  My eight year tells me how scared she felt and looks completely confused as we talk about what happened.  My heart breaks that this woman, clearly influenced my racism and inequality and poor treatment towards her or someone she loves has led her to these feelings, but now, in her attempt to fight for justice, has exposed my innocent children to the hatred spurred by this racism and inequality.  These innocent kids I have spent the last eight years trying to protect from this hate, teach to love without regard to skin color.  We have filtered the news they hear, the friends they see, and now, this anger and hatred, playing out right in front of them.  Lord, please don't let it harden their hearts, I pray.  Don't let it confuse them to think we (the white people) are the good guys and they (the black lady yelling at their mom angrily) are the bad guys.   Because my heart knows so much better.   I think of the possible scenarios leading this woman to this anger at a skin color, knowing I am just a scapegoat for this anger.   The rest of my trip to Six Flags was an inner turmoil within my mind and Spirit battling my reaction to this event.  I felt hurt, confused, and defeated.  Doesn't she know that despite my "white privilege" that my heart hurts for the inequality she has likely experienced?  Doesn't she know that it is my passion to help a generation of those who feel trampled on or ignored?   The 2017 knee-jerk reaction is to post about this crazy experience, have lots of people like me comment how wrong she was and how angry I should be, and forget about it 2 days later.   Thankfully, God has seeded this desire to help fan out the deep hatred and crazy relationship dynamics among black and white neighbors.   The first part is to realize that I can't be defensive.  I can't let one angry woman deter me from seeking change for my generation and that of my children.   Because, she did not know my heart.   She saw a white family that did not appear to wait in line fairly and it got the best of her.  But in her unfounded angry outburst, it revealed her heart.  Which has clearly been injured by a group of people who have taken advantage of her.   And despite my dislike for her, it had nothing to do with the color of her skin.  And it only makes me want to fight harder for those feeling this hurt by a group of people.   By a group of people who look a lot like me. 
I don't have the answers to fix this deeply hurtful and emotion driven issue that resonates so deeply with multiple generations.   But, I believe deeply that it doesn't get solved by blaming each other.  It doesn't get solved by making excuses or saying things like "well if they....", and it doesn't get solved by continuing on silently and pretending a problem doesn't exist. 
I believe so very deeply that 1) God created us all--- red, yellow, black, and white, and he loves us the same and 2) Jesus died for every one of us.   Not just the Jews.   Not just the white people.  And he loves all of us.  And I believe he expects us to do the same. 

#doubletrouble

One of the most intense parts of having a baby and then having a baby again the very next year is that you do everything twice with little to no break.  Although this seems like a no-brainer, it has quite the effect on mom and dad.

None of my kiddos were very good sleepers as babies.  They tricked us in the early weeks and slept as well or a little better than they same-aged counterparts, but by six months old, they were still waking up a few times a night and at the year mark, once per night a few times per week.  I believe I would have handled this fine if at one, Sydney remained an only child and Mommy got to catch up on some much needed rest.  But, no!  She started sleeping all night and her beautiful, chubby baby brother was born at the exact time.  And repeat!  Another year of precious sleep missed precious quality time with my snuggly babies.

I also spent almost two consecutive years nursing between my dynamic duo with a teeney tiny break in between.   Because Sydney was still a tiny infant when we found out we were expecting again , I ignored my doctor’s advice (Yall, I don’t recommend this), and continued to nurse her until I was six months pregnant (and she was 9 months old).  I had a few months break and started again for another 9 months of nursing a few months later.   I will just pause here to say I pumped in some crazy places over these few years (Sanford Stadium, Turner Field, Six Flags, among countless other bathrooms!!).

Shall we even talk about diapers??  We had seven consecutive years that we had one (or two!) kiddos in diapers.   Sydney was so tiny and Eli so chubby that they almost always wore the same size diaper!  Now that we are a diaper free household, I can honestly say this is one part of having many littles that I do not miss!  You know, who wants to walk up to a stranger in a restaurant or at a park and ask “I forgot an extra diaper/wipes– may I please pay you for one of yours?”  Yes, I did that.   Waaay more than once.  Prepared moms are my best friends.  However, I’m usually not one of them, despite my best intentions.

Of course, diapers leads to the next logical subject– my least favorite part of parenting: potty training.  I thought delaying Sydney’s potty training and rushing Eli’s sounded like a great plan, but of course, I was not that lucky.  Sydney was super verbal and between her potty words and interest, we started her potty going way too soon at 18 months.  8 months later, she had it down!!  Eli, on the other hand, had zero, none, zilch, interest in getting rid of his diapers and was so stinking (pun intended) stubborn!  So, after two or more full years of potty training, I was so over it and am so blessed that the third time was the charm, and I think it’s possible Liam just woke up potty trained one day!!

I was the most terrified of having my kids simultaneously in the testing two/terrible threes at the same time.  I guess it wasn’t too bad, because it was during that year, we decided to try for baby #3.  But again, we were in these phases for what seemed like forever.  The good news is that they seemed to alternate being terrors, so we never had them both being horrible at the same time.  I will give God credit for that!

The most fun part about this same  concept is that this #doubletrouble pair make Christmas morning, Disney trips and daily things double the magical.  The two of them are definitely more than 1+1=2— and sometimes that is fantastic and sometimes it is oh.so.tiring!  

Empowered women empower women!

As an independent woman with mostly conservative-ish values, all of the women's rights protests have me thinking about my views on the world in which I am raising a daughter.  Is it possible that it is as bad as some my friends are making it out to be?  Is it as equal as I have felt all my life?  Is it the world I want my daughter to grow up in?

As a quick caveat, I will say that a lot of the protests seemed to come down to the issue of pro-choice vs. pro-life, and I will not be addressing that here.  My view on this issue was so emotional for me as a teenager and early adult that I lost a lot of relationships, and really felt that God led me away from this as a passion.  I 100% know where I stand on this issue, but it is not one that I will address publicly.

My Wishes for this World for my Daughter include:

• A world where she can be anything her heart dreams to be
• A world that admires her compassion for others
• A world that cheers when she advocates for what her heart strongly believes in
• A world that doesn't tell her who she is based on her skin color, gender, or last name (or any other label for that matter)
• A world that allows her to show tolerance to those different from her, while also giving her the ability to gently share her thoughts on issues as well
• A world that celebrates both mommas that spend their days staying home with little people and also uplifts mommas who make the choice to go to work outside the home
• A world that she need not prove herself to.  She is created in God's image, and SHE  is ENOUGH.

It is my prayer that my beautiful daughter not try to fit into any of the labels the media or our society, or men, or other women try to peg us into.  My hope for her is that she dream incredibly big and experience so much joy along the path of chasing those dreams.  I pray that she surround herself with a tribe of other girls and boys who build her up and cheer her on.  I pray that her innocence and ignorance of racism, genderism (is that a word?), and hate of any group of people continue for so many years to come.  I pray that all of you telling us how bad the world is don't dampen her tenacity to change the world!  She can be a conservative liberal tolerant feminist if that works for her, and don't you dare tell her otherwise!  I love you Sydney, and you really can be absolutely anything you want to be, baby girl!  Don't you dare let someone limit you with a silly label or a doom and gloom report of society!