Most days you don't have a test done that can give you horrible news. I hate tests like that. I remember being pregnant and going to my 20 week ultrasound (you know, the one where everyone is SO excited to find out if they're having a baby boy or baby girl) and being filled with dread about what they might find. The sex of the baby was truly the least of my concern… although I did want to know! Would the heart have four chambers? Would there be signs that would point towards abnormalities? Would the heart still be beating? My fear and anxiety marred the excitement that other mommas have. Yesterday was no different. I was slightly terrified. Not that I would be in a small (TINY) tunnel and have to lie super still. Not that they would blast loud noises at my already pulsating head (although, the tunnel was tiny and those noises were oh.so.loud!).
On the way to the hospital for my outpatient test, I told Ben, "I know I shouldn't be, but I'm really scared about what they might find." I try super hard to live by 2 Timothy 1:7, which says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love, and self discipline." I will not let fear rule my thoughts, my house, or my decisions. In the last few years, I have actually done pretty good with this, although it is a continuous, constant effort on my part. But last night, I had a test done that could reveal a lot of scary things--- for some reason tumor or multiple sclerosis were the two keeping me awake last night. I have had migraine headaches since I was 2 years old-- and it appears that this week has been no different- a horrible migraine paired with some horrible vertigo equals no fun for me. But I am so thankful and relieved that it is "just" a migraine. And praising God for a healthy person problem. And feeling slightly guilty for letting my fear rule my thoughts last night. Even though, I did rock the MRI. I don't care what the tech says. I stayed perfectly still, ignored those horrible sounds, and did not press the panic button that he promised would get me out immediately. Although, I did try to jump off the table as soon as he let me out. And he recommended I get meds next time at least three times.
Thanks so much for your prayers, your offers to help, and for my village (especially Ben and my mom), who, as always, take amazing care of me and my three crazies, who are only partly responsible for the stress leading to the migraine! :)
My goals for this week are to 1) give myself grace about the fear--- nobody wants a test that can tell them they're dying, and 2) think Elsa voice "Let it go, let it go…." I have got to stop stressing about things that do not matter in the long run. I have absolutely got to not worry about what people think or don't think and just do my best. Because in the end, that's all I can do anyway. I have to make the decisions that protect my family and our time together, even if that is not the popular decision. If you guys wanna pray for that for me this week, that would be fantastic!
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